Big Girls Do Cry Read online

  I turned to Jerome for a helping hand with my dilemma but quickly realized that was useless. He was sitting on the edge of his seat, leaning forward with both arms on the table like he was watching the season finale to one of his favorite sitcoms. It crossed my mind that somehow he had something to do with Michael asking me out on a date. My good friend had been trying to get me to step out on Leon for quite some time now.

  “So, Raine, what you gonna do? Can’t you see the man is waiting for an answer?” Jerome chimed in.

  “Mind your own business, Jerome,” I snapped. I was still trying to figure this all out. Did this man really want to go out with me? And was it wrong for me to even be fantasizing about saying yes?

  Michael was shifting around in his seat, obviously still waiting for an answer. I knew I couldn’t say yes, but I couldn’t imagine saying no to such a fine man, so I avoided both by changing the subject. “So, how’s your sister?”

  “She’s good. Divorced with three hardheaded boys. She’s talking about going back to school to get her master’s.”

  “Good for her. Tell her I said hello when you talk to her.”

  He kept staring at me. I tried to avoid looking too deeply into his jet-black bedroom eyes, and that’s when I noticed his full lips. I loved full lips. They made me think naughty thoughts.

  I bet he could make me come with those lips. I bet he could make me come over and over again….

  “So, what do you do for a living?” I asked to get my mind out of the dangerous place it was going.

  He smirked. Was it that obvious I was trying to avoid answering his question? “I used to be a CPA; I guess technically I still am, but I gave all that up when I lost the weight. I’m a nutritionist, physical trainer, and sometimes a motivational speaker now.”

  “That’s great. Let me know if you need any PR work done. Ever thought about doing a DVD or an infomercial?” I handed him a card.

  He smiled warmly. “That’d be great … but I don’t usually mix business with pleasure, so maybe you should answer my question before we take this any further.”

  “Umm, what question?” Yes, it was a lame attempt at avoiding the subject again, but I was running out of ideas. And apparently, Michael was not giving up without an answer.

  “I asked you if you’d like to go out to dinner with me.”

  I was usually a decisive woman, but in this case, I truly didn’t know what to say. He’d already asked me out twice—or was it three times? I really wasn’t sure. The point is I still hadn’t mentioned I was married. What the hell was wrong with me? This was so unlike me. Was I actually contemplating a date with this man? Or was it a roll in the hay I was looking for? Jesus, was either of those a road I really wanted to go down?

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure. Ask me anything, as long as you answer my question after I answer yours.”

  “Why me? Why ask me out? Are you just into fat girls or something?”

  “Oh, shit!” Jerome damn near spit out half his drink. I’d almost forgotten he was there.

  Michael sat up straight in his chair. Unlike Jerome, he wasn’t laughing. He was as serious as a heart attack. “I wouldn’t care if you weighed eighty-six pounds, Loraine. It’s not your size I’m after; it’s the woman inside you.”

  Good answer. Jerome looked like he wanted to applaud.

  “I wanna date the woman who made it her business to call me just plain Mike, not Fat Mike, when I was in high school. The girl who didn’t run into the bathroom to wash her lips after she had to kiss me during a game of spin the bottle. I could go on, but I think you get what I’m trying to say. So, no, I’m not into fat women. Not unless the fat woman is you.”

  This time, Jerome did applaud. “Damn, that was some deep shit. You mind if I use that? Switching the gender, of course.”

  I’m sure my face was bright red from all the blood rushing to it. I took a sip of my drink, hoping it would cool me down, but it didn’t. It had the opposite effect. If we weren’t in T.G.I. Friday’s, I think I would have made love to him right then and there. No one had said anything that nice to me in my entire life.

  “Jerome, can you excuse us for a second?”

  “You want me to leave?” Jerome was staring at me like I’d just turned off his TV right in the middle of a really good show.

  “Yes, I’d like to speak with Michael alone, if you don’t mind.”

  “Fine. I’m going, but you damn right I mind. As much stuff as I let you listen to.” He got out of his seat in a huff, pouting as he walked away.

  “Sorry about that. Jerome doesn’t understand the meaning of personal or private.”

  “I understand. So, does this mean we’re on for a date?”

  I wanted to reach out and hold his hand. Oh, how I wished I didn’t have to turn him down. “Michael, I want to thank you for asking, but I can’t go on a date with you.”

  “Why not?”

  I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “Because I’m married.”

  He looked down at my hands. “I don’t see a ring on your finger.”

  “That’s because I’ve gained so much weight in the last few years, my hands have swollen.” I saw his lips turn down.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful.” He stood up from his chair, looking a little embarrassed. “Loraine, it was good seeing you again. Tell your husband he’s a very lucky man.”

  The mention of Leon sent a little stab of pain through my heart. The way things had been going between us lately, I doubted he’d agree that he was lucky to be with me.

  He took a step toward the bar, then turned back. “If you weren’t married, would you have said yes?”

  He had no idea just how close I’d come to saying yes even though I was married. But it wouldn’t do me any good to admit that to him, so instead I nodded and said, “Yes, if I was single, I’d go out with you.” In another place and another time, Michael Richards most definitely would have been mine.

  He smiled boyishly, like he’d won even though he came in second. I watched him walk toward the entrance, and then, through the window, I saw him get into his car. I didn’t take my eyes off him until he drove away. I suppose it was for the best, but we never even exchanged numbers or e-mail addresses or anything. I wondered if it would be another twenty-something years before I’d see him again.

  Egypt

  14

  I felt like my entire life was falling apart when Jerome came to my desk solemnly and told me Loraine wanted to see me in her office. I figured it was a foregone conclusion that I was about to be fired, and there really wasn’t anything I could do about it, because stupidly, I’d brought the whole damn thing on myself. Sure, Loraine and I were friends, but she was a businesswoman first, and there was no way she was going to let me get away with skipping work the past week without so much as a phone call. Not to mention the fact that I missed three key meetings with clients.

  Yep, I was getting fired.

  I followed Jerome to his desk, which was situated in front of Loraine’s office. I’d always found their little seating arrangement strange, because although Loraine was the face of the company, Jerome helped her build it from day one. On paper he was the company’s vice president, but most people, including the majority of the company’s employees, thought he was just a glorified assistant. It appeared that was just the way the two of them wanted it.

  “Any idea why she wants to see me?” I asked Jerome.

  “I think you have an idea, sis.” There was a tad bit of attitude in his voice that I probably deserved. Especially since he’d called my house, cell phone, and texted me to see if I was all right, and I never responded.

  “Yeah, I guess I do.”

  “Just be straight up with her, and you’ll be okay. Don’t play games like you did with me.”

  I nodded and he opened the door so I could walk in. Loraine was sitting behind her large cherrywood desk glancing at some files. I sat down in one of the chai
rs in front of her desk as Jerome stepped out of the office, shutting the door behind him. It took her a full two minutes before she looked up over her reading glasses to acknowledge that I was even there. Those were two very long and uncomfortable minutes. I sat there nervously and thought about how I was going to break the news to Rashad that I’d lost my job. My life was stressful enough already without having to add searching for a job in this economy to my list of worries.

  Finally, our eyes met. Loraine and I saw each other socially at our monthly book club meetings, and she was perfectly nice then, but now she looked nothing short of menacing. I’d never been in trouble at work before, but I’d heard from other employees that Loraine was no joke when she was mad at you. I was experiencing firsthand how true that was.

  I decided to fall on my sword and weaken the blow before she had a chance to speak. At least that way I’d be able to get in a word edgewise. “Loraine, I know I cost the firm a lot of money. I know I should have called and I didn’t. But I was having some personal issues that I just couldn’t deal with. So if you’re going to fire me, I understand.”

  Loraine stood up from her desk, and the way her large frame was looming over me, I suddenly felt tiny and fragile. I was actually scared for a minute when she threw down the file she’d been holding. “Fire you! Girl, I should kill your ass.”

  Kill me? Well, damn, I know I’d messed up, but did she have to take it that far? I was about to protest, until she explained herself and I realized I had read her all wrong.

  “You had us worried to death. I’m surprised poor Jerome is even speaking to you. Don’t you ever do that shit again.”

  I was actually left speechless for a minute while I tried to process this whole scene. I’d been imagining myself jobless and depressed, and now it seemed that wasn’t Loraine’s intention at all.

  “You mean I’m not fired?”

  “Not if I get an explanation about what the hell is going on. Egypt, you’re my friend, and my friends are like family. I don’t socialize with many people I work with, other than Jerome. But somehow, you and I clicked. We’ve broken bread in each other’s homes. To me, that’s special.”

  Wow, I didn’t know she felt that way. I guess we were closer than I thought. Now I felt bad that I hadn’t at least called the office while I was out.

  “I’m sorry, Loraine.”

  She waved her hand as if to say there was no apology necessary. “So, what’s going on, girl? Your marriage falling apart?”

  “If it hasn’t already, it will be.”

  “He cheating.” She spoke as if it was already a certainty, not a question. Why was that the first thing everyone asked when a relationship was having problems? Not every man cheats. Sometimes it’s the woman who causes the problem—by not being able to have a baby. Yes, I was back at work, but I still hadn’t stopped beating myself up over the fact that I couldn’t give Rashad a child.

  “No, he’d never cheat.” At least I hoped he wouldn’t. I didn’t even wanna imagine anything like that, but the way my life was going lately, I suppose anything was possible. Lord, I hoped things never got that bad between us. If I caught Rashad cheating, I think I would die.

  “Are you cheating?” She leaned back against her desk and assured me, “If you are, I’m not judging—just looking for answers.”

  “Hell no,” I answered adamantly. “I love my husband. I don’t need anyone but him.”

  “Then what? You didn’t just skip work the past week for nothing. Where the heck were you? What were you doing?”

  “It’s a long story, Loraine. You really don’t want to hear it.” She considered me a friend, but I wasn’t quite ready to go there with her yet. I was barely able to admit to myself that my body was unable to bear children; it wasn’t something I wanted to discuss with my boss.

  “Yes, I do want to hear it.” She glanced at the clock on her office wall. “And it’s ten-fifteen. You don’t get off until five. I think we have enough time.”

  “Loraine, I don’t know what I’m going to do. My life is falling apart at the seams.” I hoped this vague answer would be enough to stop her from asking more questions. Unfortunately, as soon as I admitted it out loud to her, the pain that I’d been trying to control burst forth, and I was in tears.

  In an instant, Loraine was by my side, patting me on the back to soothe me. But I couldn’t stop the tears.

  She waited until my sobs had subsided a bit, and then asked, “What’s wrong? Is there anything I can do?” She handed me a tissue.

  “I don’t even know where to start. My sister’s lost her mind, and I think my husband hates me.” It felt good to finally get some of this off my chest. I used to be able to vent to Tammy whenever I was feeling down, but for obvious reasons, I didn’t feel like she’d be much help to me these days. And since Rashad was hurting just as much as I was, I had been trying my best not to burden him.

  “Rashad? The man who sang to you in front of the entire office at our Christmas party last year? No, that man loves you.”

  “That was before he found out I couldn’t have his child.” I shocked myself by how easily I’d said those words. Boss or not, I realized how much I needed a friend right now, and Loraine was offering.

  Suddenly, an idea came to me. “Loraine, you know a lot of people. Do you know anyone who would be willing to have a baby for us?”

  “So, that’s what this is all about?” Loraine shook her head. “You guys having trouble getting pregnant? I know a great fertility doctor. Dr. Anderson is the best in Virginia.”

  “I know. We’ve already seen him.”

  “Did he help?”

  “He tried, but it didn’t work. That’s why I’m looking for a surrogate.”

  She thought about it for a second, then said, “No, I don’t know anyone. Maybe that’s not a good idea to have a complete stranger anyway. You know that could open you up to blackmail.”

  “You think someone would do that to us?”

  “Heck, yeah. Either the birth mother turns out to be shady, or she changes her mind and doesn’t want to give up the child. You hear it on the news all the time where the court rules for the surrogate to keep the baby. From what I understand, most states allow the birth mother to change her mind for a whole year after the baby’s born.”

  “I actually knew all of that. Rashad and I researched pretty well before we decided to go ahead with surrogacy. That’s why we asked my best friend, Tammy. You remember her from our book club meeting, right?”

  “Yeah, the one from New York.”

  “Uh-huh. She and her husband already have a boy and a girl, so we weren’t worried about them wanting to keep our child. We were even willing to pay them any amount of money.”

  “I take it she said no?”

  I nodded sadly and wiped away a tear that was trickling down my cheek. “They said Tammy was too old to carry another child, plus they were concerned that her weight would be an issue.”

  “Well, I can’t say I don’t understand how they feel,” Loraine admitted. “I never wanted to have children when I was younger, but I used to think that maybe I’d get pregnant once my career was established. Now I know for a fact I don’t want any babies. I can’t imagine how hard a pregnancy would be on my body.”

  “But women are having babies in their forties all the time these days.”

  “True, doctors can make it happen, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for everyone.”

  All of a sudden, Loraine’s advice wasn’t helping very much. Her sympathy for my situation seemed to have turned into sympathy for Tammy. I was starting to feel stupid sitting there bawling in front of Loraine, especially since her motto was “Big girls don’t cry; they get the job done.” Only, not all of us were as strong as her and could put up with everything.

  “Well, I’m only thirty-seven, and I want to have a baby now.”

  I guess my snippy tone made her realize she wasn’t being very supportive, because she apologized. “I’m sorry. I know
this must be terribly hard on you and Rashad.”

  “We’ve got everything in life that we want—except for a baby.”

  My tears had started flowing freely again. She sat quietly and waited while I got myself under control.

  “Why don’t you ask your sister?”

  I shook my head. “Not an option.”

  “Why not? I thought you two were close. She lives in your house.”

  I had also learned recently that she was jealous of me and my husband, but I couldn’t tell that to Loraine. “It’s complicated.”

  “If she’s your sister and she really loves you like she says she does, she should be willing to do it. You hear about that all the time on the news, grandmothers giving birth to their own grandchildren and things like that.”

  “I don’t know….”

  Loraine approached the situation logically, like the businesswoman I knew her to be. “I don’t see why not. She’s living up in your house for free. This could be her way of repaying you. I’m not one to talk about family, but it would be her way of getting a job, since she doesn’t seem to be trying to find one.”

  I felt a slight twinge of guilt for letting her talk about my family that way, especially since I hardly even let Rashad say anything about Isis, yet I couldn’t help but agree with her assessment of the situation. It dawned on me that maybe that was my problem: I was being so emotional about the whole darn thing. If I looked at it like Loraine was, like a problem to be solved, and took my feelings out of the equation, it kinda did make sense to ask my sister. After all, Isis was laying up on us for free, and after the stunt she had pulled with Tony, she owed me—especially since I hadn’t yet forced her to move out.

  I wondered if she would be willing to have our baby. Loraine was the second person who had suggested her. I hadn’t considered it when Tammy said it, because I was so upset, but now … I didn’t know.

  Maybe it would work.

  “Loraine, do you think I can go home a little early today?” I asked, my mood more hopeful than I’d been in a long time. “I need to talk to my sister about a few things.”